Athens:  Faced with a mounting debt crisis, Greece has been advised by the global management consulting firm McKinsey to monetise the biggest sporting brand that it (Greece) has given to the world: Olympics.

‘Make no mistake about it, Olympics is a humungous brand. And it, without any doubt, belongs to Greece. We think it is only fair that it gets to monetise that,’ said Roberto Rastapopoulos of McKinsey, which was appointed by the new caretaker government to suggest ways and means to shore up the floundering Grecian economy.

‘I am surprised that Greece has not done it so far. But I am also happy that Greece has not done it so far. If it had, we couldn’t have recommended it now and charged a bomb for it,’ Rastapopoulos chuckled.

According to the plan mapped out by the management whiz kids of McKinsey, Greece should, forthwith, initiate steps to help Olympics embrace the private franchisee model, which has delivered billions and billions in the case of sporting leagues like the NBA and the IPL.

The McKinsey design envisages converting each participating nation in the Olympics into the equivalent of a franchise/club. ‘They have to pay money to be part of the Olympics, which is the brainchild of Greece,’ Rastapopoulos pointed out.

So when a country pays the guarantee money, does it get the right to send its athletes and players to the Olympics? ‘No’, Rastapopoulos interjected, ‘when a country pays the royalty it becomes eligible to send any number of officials to the Olympics.

In my experience, he said, Olympics is a grand sporting event attended primarily by sports officials.

‘Once this part is streamlined, we hope to further enhance revenue generation by opening up for sponsorship the title (Olympics) and the various medals on offer,’ Rastapopoulos added. ‘I hear that in the IPL they have even branded the catches taken and the fours and sixers hit in the matches. In which case, branding gold, silver and bronze medals in the Olympics shouldn’t be all that difficult.’

Rastapopoulos conceded that the Olympic telecasts needed to improve if it were to become commercially more interesting. ‘At the core, Olympics is a spectacle. Of human ability and endurance. So, when we telecast the various events our main aim must be to showcase those who help make the Olympics the spectacle that it is’. The athletes? ‘No, I am talking of the corporates here’, Rastapopoulos explained.

Rastapopoulos, however, warned that the royalty amount and other money, even though in billions of Euros, will not be sufficient to fully bail Greece out of the financial crisis it finds itself in now. ‘A large percentage of those billions, I am afraid, will be good enough only to pay McKinsey’s consultancy charges,’ Rastapopoulos said.

‘In corporate circles, when struggling companies, looking for a turnaround, seek our advice, our first suggestion to them is: reduce your expenditure. And those companies, bless them, pay us top money, but sack some of their regular employees. This is the beauty of management consultancy,’ he said.

In the case of Greece, Rastapopoulos said, our suggestion to them would be to leverage more out of their many undoubted assets. Like charging royalty for Pythagoras Theorem. ‘Imagine the royalty that will accrue to Greece whenever some student somewhere uses it. I think we are sitting on a goldmine here,’ Rastapopoulos.

Depending on the success of this, McKinsey will think about levying royalty on shipping companies using the Archimedes principle to keep their fleet afloat.

Elsewhere, reacting to the possible charging of royalty for the use of Pythagoras Theorem by students, the Indian government has done the most logical thing in the circumstance: Ban Pythagoras Theorem from all school textbooks.

In a related development, a PIL has been filed in the Supreme Court by a group of former students seeking retrospective marks for the sums in the mathematics paper they did not attempt on the grounds that they involved usage of Pythagoras Theorem.

(Disclaimer: We think the rest of the world is entitled for damages from Greece for Archimedes Principle and Pythagoras Theorem. We know we have the support of all school students on this)

©2012 Crank's Corner. All Rights Reserved.

The actor, who is fondly referred to as Thala by his fans including many sections of the media, has just finished shooting for Billa – 2, the prequel to his Billa which was a sequel remake of Billa, the Rajni starrer, which itself was a remake of the Amitabh starrer Don, which was imaginatively remade as, well, Don by Sharukh Khan, who later came out with Don 2, which basically seems to have quelled all life out of the entire Don franchise.

Recently, Ajith has been giving interviews to Tamil magazines, talking about Billa-2 by categorically stating that he does not like to talk about Billa-2. ‘I am just the hero of Billa-2. Who am I to talk of Billa-2? Billa-2 should talk for Billa-2,’ he has said.

Ajith has also said: ‘My job ends with acting. I will not promote my films’.

Naturally, Ajith’s assertion has gone down very well with his followers. ‘Thala saying that he will not promote his films is the best possible promotion for his films,’ pointed out ‘Jana’ Jagadish, one of his fans.  ‘Because Tamil Nadu is just about recovering from the marketing blitz of Dhanush and Ishwarya’s 3, wherein they were all over the electronic media, all but virtually emerging out of picture tubes in individual TV sets,’ he added.

But another fan, ‘Red’ Rajesh said Thala films don’t need any promotion at all. ‘All his movies are a huge hit even before they are released,’ he pointed out and added ‘it’s also fact that Thala’s films are best enjoyed when they are not released.’

Anyway, Thala fans have decided to celebrate the 100^th day ‘success function’ of Billa-2 much ahead of the film’s actual release.

‘There is nothing to feel surprised about in this. When actor Vijay fans can celebrate the 100^th-day success function for films like Sachein which did not run for 100 days, what is wrong in organising a 100^th-day function for a film which at least enjoys a technical chance of running for 100 days in the future?’ said ‘Vaali’ Venkatesh.

According to him, the fans will celebrate the 100^th day function of Billa-2 on May 1, the birthday of Ajith. ‘It will be a double delight for us. We will suitably labour and celebrate the occasion by sending more SMSes ridiculing actor Vijay, his films and fans,’ he added. (It is a grand tradition in Tamil Nadu for fans of an actor or musician to generally express their artistic appreciation of their ‘idol’ by violently badmouthing his rivals and fans. The fights between the fans of Rajni and Kamal are legendary. But on the positive side, thanks to the rivalry of the fans, the two stars have managed to make crores and crores of rupees for themselves).

Anyway, coming back to Ajith, it’s not clear whether he will participate in the 100^th day celebrations of his yet to be released movie. It is well known in film circles that Ajith generally stays away from 100^th-day celebratory functions. It is equally well known in film circles that Ajith hasn’t had any film worthy of being celebrated with a 100^th-day function in the last decade or so.

Also, Ajith, who has this image of being a non-conformist, has already told his fans to disband the fans associations. ‘I am a big star today because of my fans. Quite unlike others, about whom I don’t want to talk at all, I don’t like to use my fans for my personal progress. So I request my fans to stop being my fans,’ he said.

The request to stop being his fan brought more fans to Ajith. ‘I am a fan of his honest desire to not have fans. Also, unless we become his fans in the first place, how can we stop being his fans? As Thala fans we owe our address to Thala,’ concluded ‘Mugavari’ Mahesh.

Last heard, Ajith is expected to make it to the 100^th day success function of Billa-2 to make it known to the organisers that he doesn’t like attending such functions.

(Disclaimer: We love to say this. But we hate disclaimers. Also, stop believing in disclaimers)

©2012 Crank's Corner. All Rights Reserved.

New Delhi/Kolkata/Pyongyang: In what can be described as a significant victory for India’s recent foreign policy initiatives, the External Affairs Ministry has landed itself the lucrative overseas market rights for Sharukh Khan’s Bollywood blockbusters.

The landmark deal was formally inked by India’s Foreign Minister S M Krishna and Sharukh Khan on behalf of his production company Red Chillies Entertainment at a solemn function here, the highlight of which was Krishna formally striking the Chammak Chalo pose by extending an arm and an open palm with an angled head and a bent hip. Sharukh, for the record, has not exactly come out of that pose that he seems to have been stuck in since the days of Ra.One’s release.

A beaming Krishna later told newsmen that the deal was only a logical extension of an existing reality. ‘My Ministry has always been at the service of Sharukh. We have accorded him the Most Favoured Individual status on many occasions. Now we will provide that treatment for his films, too,’ Krishna said.

‘Also,’ he astutely pointed out, ‘more than Sharukh, it’s his films that need real lobbying‘.

Ever the diplomat, Sharukh, for his part, symbolised the coming together of his film company and the external affairs ministry, by thoughtfully gifting Krishna that will further enhance his image in the international diplomatic circuit —- a wig, specially handcrafted by a top Bollywood hairstylist, that is.

Sharukh hoped that Krishna would further formalise his links with the film industry by getting into acting. ‘He already has the looks, that of poor man’s Girish Karnad’.

Interjecting at this point, Krishna pointed out he was not exactly new to acting. ‘When I was the Governor of Tamil Nadu, I was also the acting Governor of Andhra Pradesh for a few months’.

After this attempted joke by Krishna, the function quickly ended.

Anyway, following the inking of this new deal, Indian diplomats, attached to the various Consulates and High Commissions across the globe, who are already saddled with the onerous task of attending many diplomatic cocktail parties, will have the additional responsibility of turning up at Bollywood film dos, too.

It may be recalled that after the release of Ra.One a couple of countries threatened to sever their diplomatic and trade links with India. But now with this new deal in place, India can hope for lesser hostility from foreign countries.

Elsewhere, policy wonks and think tanks, who have no real meaningful work to pursue, said the deal between Sharukh’s film company and India’s External Affairs Ministry, would be a major shot in the arm for India’s nuclear programme.

‘The Foreign Ministry now has a real bargaining chip. They can threaten to screen a film like Ra.One or Don-2 in whichever country that refuses to supply stuff like Uranium. After that they will have no option but to send across things that India demands,’ they explained.  ‘If such a threat doesn’t work, we are afraid that the Indian Foreign Affairs Ministry has to up the ante and go for the jugular by, well, bagging the international rights for Akshay Kumar movies’.

Elsewhere, staying with international relations, North Korea today announced that it was conferring the Most Favoured Nation status on Mamata Banerjee’s West Bengal for ‘leading her State in a manner laid out by the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’.

A communique from the North Korean’s President’s office said: ‘Mamata Banerjee is proving to the world that you need not be really a Communist to be actually a Communist’

‘To think your own photo to be a caricatured cartoon, as Mamata has done recently, is something that the Supreme Leader would have been proud of,’ Kim Jong-un, who succeeded the ‘Supreme Leader’ Kim Jong-il as the President of North Korea by the democratic accepted method of being his son, said in his communiqué.

The Most Favoured Nation status conferred by North Korea will provide many benefits to Mamata Banerjee’s West Bengal, including the permission to replace the statue of Lenin with Kim Jong-il’s on the streets of Kolkata.

North Korea also promised to provide all the technical know-how and the complete blueprint of its famed rocked technology for use during the fireworks display at the end of Kolkata’s famed Durga Pooja.

(Disclaimer: We strongly suspect the Ra.One film scriptwriter to be the father of North Korean rocket technology)

©2012 Crank's Corner. All Rights Reserved.

New York: It was a deal that was waiting to happen.

Recycle Bin, the popular waste container in computers across the globe, has been acquired by the social networking behemoth, Facebook, which is now on an acquisition spree.

Coming closely on the heels of Facebook’s take over of Instagram, the photo app company, there has been a huge thrill across tech majors and Wall Street entities over this exciting addition to Mark Zuckerberg’s stable.

Facebook is paying 2 billion dollars (approximately huge money in Indian rupees) in cash and stock for the takeover.

Most social networking platforms are now full of stuff that not long ago were destined to die an unceremonious death in the emotionless folders of Recycle Bin. Considering this uncanny synergy, it was only a matter of time that the Facebook took it over.

Facebook’s chief executive Mark Zuckerberg has pledged to continue to let Recycle Bin remain as a separate entity, allowing it for use by rival networks, too.

Zuckerberg wrote on his Facebook page: ‘This is an important milestone for Facebook because it’s the second time, after Instagram, we’ve ever acquired a thing with so many users’.

‘We think the fact that Recycle Bin is connected to other services beyond Facebook is an important part of the experience’.

He added: ‘We plan on keeping features like the ability to post on a social networking site, Facebook or any other platform, straight whenever an user sends a file for the Bin.’

Taking into consideration Zuckerberg’s aggressive approach so far, industry analysts, however, predict, that the world would surely move to a situation where Recycle Bins across computers are integrated solely to Facebook.

Pedro Weber, an internet expert, said Zuckerberg’s strategy is clear and well calculated. ‘What you see in Recycle Bin today is what you will see in Facebook tomorrow. Zuckerberg has taken control of both past and future, of both computers and its users,’ he gushed.

‘The smartness of Zuckerberg’s strategy is that he has astutely chosen something that is operational on both Apple and non-Apple devices’, Weber, who has also authored the tech book, Apple of the i, pointed out. ‘Zuckerberg is verily rewriting history, as everyone knows the history of a computer cannot be written without the Recycle Bin’.

Elsewhere the Wall Street, too, has given its thumbs up for this new deal just as it did when Facebook acquired Instagram.

‘This is a huge shot in the arm for Facebook. Now that it has spent two billion dollars from its kitty, Facebook’s value itself will go up by at least six or seven billion dollars,’ said William Bull, of the famous broking firm LSD (Lock, Stock and Dollars).

Asked how Facebook can monetise out of this deal, Bull pointed out that Zuckerberg would like to follow the same strategy that he has laid out for Instagram, too.

For the record, Instagram is a photo apps company, which allows users to upload pictures, absolutely free of cost. Naturally, Wall Street braintrusts see a huge business potential for this company.

Facebook, which is also in the business of free uploading of pictures, quickly seized the opportunity and paid one billion dollars and took over Instagram. Now, Facebook will remain free, Instagram will remain free, but Zuckerberg will continue to be enormously rich. ‘This is the beauty of modern valuation norms,’ Bill explained. ‘Don’t ask the question whether your company can make any money at all. Ask the question whether you can make money.’

The Recycle Bin deal comes ahead of Facebook’s planned flotation later this year. The firm reportedly plans to issue $5bn worth of stock on the New York-based Nasdaq exchange in May or June. The deal could value the firm as being worth as much as $100bn. ‘In Wall Street, words and money speak LOUDEST when they are in Capital,’ Bull.

Elsewhere, Facebook’s archrival, Google+, is reportedly mulling a matching takeover. Industry insiders say Google+ may acquire MS DOS, considering the fact that both share the same ethos: Nobody knows why they are there.

(Disclaimer: Considering our non-revenue model and utter lack of practical use, don’t you think Crank’s News is ripe for picking by Facebook?)

©2012 Crank's Corner. All Rights Reserved.

New Delhi/Vizag: This is a story we would tell with extreme care and caution. For, it starkly reflects the current state of unease among the politicos, and also us, faced as we are with a deadline pressure and also a stinging order from our Editor to come up with a matching scoop to that of the newspaper, which yesterday reported that two Army units dramatically moved towards the national capital, but eventually turned back to its base after the strategic realisation that finding parking spots large enough to accommodate armoured tanks was well nigh impossible in New Delhi.

It has taken the Crank’s News team four long hours to think up this story about those dramatic developments in New Delhi following reports of a strange and non-notified movement of two Naval units of the Eastern Command ‘in the general direction of North.’

Essentially, on a balmy morning of March, intelligence agencies reported an unexpected (and non-notified) movement by two submarines from the Eastern Command Naval unit, Vizag. To be very specific, the two belonged to the 11th (Sindhugosh Class) and 8th (Foxtrot Class) Submarine Squadrons.

Lookouts confirmed that the two submarines were headed in the general direction North, which is the general direction of the National capital, New Delhi, which was odd considering the fact that there was no sea there.

It was still a cause for curiosity and some confusion — more than much concern — because, over the decades, the ruling politicians have come to be totally relaxed and trustful of the naval leadership, mainly because most of the Naval terms and descriptions are difficult to understand for the meagre intelligence of politicos.

The situation changed rapidly, though when the top honchos realised that New Delhi may not have a sea, but what were headed towards them were submarines, which were anyway not visible even if there was a sea. Also, the defence ministry was very much aware of the fact that world over, due to the dreaded global warming, seas were rising and gobbling up land. So New Delhi was not ready to take any chance.

A bemused establishment raised an alert of sorts. The Defence Minister was informed. Immediately, the Centre put in motion an old contingency plan to delay, if not the submarines, then at least the onset of global warming and the resultant the rising of seas.

It issued a terror alert with instructions to police to carefully check all modes of water supply. And an ever-smart Delhi police, not willing to take any chances, did the most logical thing: Cut off the tapped water supply in New Delhi. It naturally raised a stink, especially in the toilets. But the objective was to stem the whiff of bigger scandal emanating from the distant Eastern Command.

The Prime Minister was informed at the crack of dawn because such a timing usually helped to dramatically intensify the impact of the news. The Defence Secretary Shashi Kant Sharma was asked to take a vacation, so that he can later cut it short, then again to heighten the drama of the occasion.

Shashi Kant opened his office late at night (cue for more pulsation) and asked Lt Gen. A K Choudhary, Director General Military Operations, to see him and explain what was going on. Gen. Choudhary, who was at that time in his gym, said it was a routine exercise.

He was asked to return with full facts about the submarines. This he did soon enough. The explanation was still the same: the Navy carrying out exercises to check its ability to make quick deployments of key units during fog under water.

The Navy’s explanation that it was all a simple fog-time exercise was then viewed with scepticism at the highest level because, as one official in the PMO said, fog is not a phenomenon in the month of March.

The Navy’s justification for the specific movements did sound plausible though. In the process, the Navy said, they discovered many glitches. These are now being ironed out, because the glitches pertained to Naval uniform getting extremely wet in water.

These are the bare facts of an unusual set of events. It is too early to answer all the ‘hows, whys and the what-nexts’ of this. Or to say whether it was an avoidable case of neurosis the Indian establishment is — mercifully — not familiar with. But when the sea waters indeed rise and reach Delhi, the establishment better be ready. It better appoint a Naval chief whose birth certificate is not under dispute.

(Disclaimer: We firmly stand by our story. We underline our credibility by underlining the word ‘story’)

©2012 Crank's Corner. All Rights Reserved.